The Best & The Worst Of Oscars 2016 By A Brutally Honest Oscar Watcher.

February 25, 2016  |  Awards, Outcast Opinions  |  No Comments
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The 2016 Oscar season has showcased the very best and the very worst of the grotesquely entertaining awards event. Like a horrendous car accident that you don’t want to look at, but you slow down anyway because you can’t help yourself not to, the Oscars are an expensive, bloody mess that every film fan talks about. The ballot boxes are closed, and we’re three days away from the show, so I want to share my 2c. on why I think this season went from being one of the most exciting in years, to one of the most insufferable, before it’s too late. I’ll end with my personal should/will win predictions (or you can just skip to that directly).
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Oscars 2015: Predictions, Predilections, and the Unjustifiably Ignored.

February 20, 2015  |  2015, Awards  |  No Comments

OscarsPredicting Oscar winners is a fool’s errand, but never a dull one. For a gamut of reasons, I’ve absconded from much of the Oscar talk after the new year kicked in. Mainly because I lose interest once the narrative shifts into that ludicrous last stretch of the race, when months’ worth of predictions, forecasts, and desires, collide to dismantle every major participant down to their minutest details and flaws. The narrative shifts away from the actual films to the politics of the race, what it all means, why is it those two in particular, the lack of gender and race equality for the sake of gender and race equality, etc. Yawn.

That said, Andrew O’Hehir’s latest analysis on Salon.com is a must-read for Oscar fans. He gets the meaninglessness of it all, and explains how it’s that very notion the Academy Awards are now battling with, among other factors. Also, The Hollywood Reporter has been publishing some juicy insider reasoning from actual Oscar voters (who remain anonymous, partly because they can trash whatever they want, partly to secure whatever is left of their careers) all of which are no doubt meant to stir up controversy and fuel fiery debates. In other words, they’re super fun reads.

The ceremony will be aired this Sunday, on February 22nd, hosted by Neil Patrick Harris (a natural choice that I’m sincerely hoping won’t disappoint), so seeing as how Oscars are an unavoidable and fun evil, I’m throwing my predictions out there, in classic “Will Win/Should Win” fashion. Additionally, I’m including a third category for the horrendously omitted, where it applies. (Ignorance isn’t always a virtue, Bird-Man!)

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Oscar Predictions 2014 – Now With Post-Oscar Revisions

March 2, 2014  |  Awards, Feature  |  No Comments
Oscars.org

Oscars.org

The Grapevine’s Oscar Predictions after the cut. Bear in mind that the categories for all the Shorts will not be considered for prediction because they will be complete guesses for my Oscar pool tonight. Completely pointless to randomly select winners in this category when I have zero knowledge about any of them.

UPDATE: The Oscars are OVER! Somehow we have to not just survive, but try to live, until next year. I’ve updated my predictions with little notes and stuff.  

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OSCAR PROFILES: The Case Of THE WOLF OF WALL STREET

March 2, 2014  |  Awards, Feature  |  No Comments

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After three and a half weeks of sleepless nights rummaging through mountains of paperwork, 6 offenders were put through the grinder of the Oscar Profile. AMERICAN HUSTLE started off proceedings and was deemed dangerous. While it will still be posing a threat later tonight, its chances of being the killer have diminished considerably. CAPTAIN PHILLIPS followed and while its poised to be found guilty of Best Editing, its chance of the Best Picture crime was never an eventuality. DALLAS BUYERS CLUB was found to be exceptionally dangerous with its two actors, but never for the big heist. Then GRAVITY pulled us down and apart; a domineering presence tonight with 10 nominations and a front-runner in so many categories, with the biggest chance of stealing Best Picture from all profiled thugs thus far.

HER was found to be the most original story of all suspects but would win Best Picture once it starts snowing in hell. And yesterday, 12 YEARS A SLAVE has shown to be the biggest and stunningly, the most admirable, criminal of all so far. It’s perfectly clear to everyone that tonight is a battle between technological advancement and historical reminders. Will it be the criminal Gravity with its sacrifice of storytelling for the short-lived visual bravado or the criminal 12 Years A Slave with its celebration of cinema’s true qualities and symbolic mirroring of the past?

Whichever it would be, there is one suspect who will be found innocent tonight but in my mind will end up being remembered as the most notorious criminal of the lot. Martin Scorsese’s THE WOLF OF WALL STREET is a film that eyes crime up and down its sleazy suit, tie and white collar getup. So demented and wild, not profiling it would be a sin.

For the final time this year, follow me into the mind of deranged psychopath. This one brings new meaning to the word entertainment.           

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OSCAR PROFILES: The Case Of 12 YEARS A SLAVE

March 1, 2014  |  Awards, Feature  |  No Comments

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After much deliberation, the decision has been made to revoke the Oscar Profiles of two possible offenders. Alexander Payne’s comfy NEBRASKA and Stephen Frears’ jovial PHILOMENA have much in common, but it’s their mutual innocence that truly binds them. While their personality types will still be revealed before the debauchery tomorrow, I am so certain of their innocence (and so pressed for time) that all energy must be focused on the remaining two possibilities. It’s time to deal with a suspect that is such a presence, many professionals in my field have already decided that it and nothing else can be the killer.

Steve McQueen. There’s a name that’s slowly been gathering a reputation like a gust of wind gathers leaves before turning into a hurricane, and starts ripping trees out. With 2008’s HUNGER he entered the scene through the backdoor to present the harrowing true-life story of Bobby Sands and the Irish Hunger Strike of 1981. In 2011 he was on the guestlist and brought the world SHAME. Another despairing tale, this time about the effects sex addiction has on the mind and soul. But it was last year that McQueen’s third feature film was one of the main attractions.

Continuing the pattern of soaking up tears and sweat into a bloody towel and letting it drip into your soul, McQueen’s 12 YEARS A SLAVE is a gut-puncher. And, quite possibly, our murderer. Let’s profile this mad genius.

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OSCAR PROFILES: The Case Of HER

February 25, 2014  |  Awards, Feature  |  No Comments

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We’re back at staring innocence in the face, and this time it’s wearing a moustache. American Hustle, Captain Phillips, Dallas Buyers Club and Gravity have all underwent the Oscar profile treatment with Gravity emerging as the biggest threat so far. Spike Jonze’s HER will not be changing matters in that regard but the film is such a fascinating exploration into the depths of melancholia that I’d be amiss not to profile it. Unlike Payne’s NEBRASKA or Frears’ PHILOMENA; both so adorably innocent of the maliciousness that’s almost upon us, their profiles will most likely be rescinded from consideration.

The future in Spike Jonze’s movie isn’t distant but every time you try to connect with it, there’s something that repels you backwards. Whether it’s the comfy aura that glows out of every scene beckoning you closer only to stop you by having a character do or say something completely off-the-wall, or the protagonist’s suspiciously human operating system; something isn’t quite all there with Her. Nevertheless, the fact that it’s found a way into the Oscar Best Picture rouge gallery of potential offenders is something that the makers weren’t quite expecting, and are welcoming with open hands. This must be examined.

Let’s take a tumble down the rabbit hole of emotion and look at Her.

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OSCAR PROFILES: The Case Of GRAVITY

February 22, 2014  |  Awards, Feature  |  No Comments

 Oscar Profiles Image 2After dealing with a serious suspect, a relatively mild one and a downright inculpable one comes one of the biggest threats for this year’s Oscar bloodbath. Profiling this mastermind criminal after the previous three feels like trying to analyze the mysteries behind the Mona Lisa smile after looking at a 5 year old’s dinosaur drawing. We are talking about a film that has been plotting its vile activities for over seven years, knowing its share of casting shuffles and studio pressures. But once it finally screened at last year’s Venice Film Festival; eyes popped, mouths watered and James Cameron said it was the greatest space movie ever made. That’s the billionaire Cameron talking, who takes big budget breaths with every breath he takes and has a criminal record as thick as grandma’s biscuits.

With a multi-million dollar budget, two mega-movie stars, and the industry’s most up-to-date equipment, Alfonso Cuarón has finally managed to make his space project a reality. Though not as groundbreaking with its box-office results as Cameron’s AVATAR or TITANIC, it has still made a killing and a worldwide profit nine times its 80-ish million dollar budget. For profilers, these are clear signs of evil.

Opening up the space-suit to look inside one of the most menacing minds of all nine possible offenders and drifting with caution towards GRAVITY.  

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OSCAR PROFILES: The Case Of DALLAS BUYERS CLUB

February 20, 2014  |  Awards, Feature  |  No Comments

Oscar Profiles

We’re less than two weeks away from the killing spree with 7 suspects left to round out and profile. This means that while February keeps hanging around, all attention will be on the Oscar Profiles and the sordid lot of possible Best Picture offenders. We’ve already seen Histrionic Cinematic Disorder on extravagant display in AMERICAN HUSTLE, and just a few days ago CAPTAIN PHILLIPS was all but cleared and diagnosed with Paranoid Cinematic Disorder.  Now we turn our attention to a much smaller beast and one that has had a lot of prognosticators tapping their lower lips in pensive confusion.

If you want to be reminded of the five steps by which the offenders are analyzed, you’ll have to scroll down because we’re racing against the clock here guys. Right now, we are entering the no muss and no fuss world of the biopic – something that has had a long standing ovation with the unlawful Academy voters for decades. Nevertheless, the suspense on this one’s innocence or guilt will not take long.

What does the mind of DALLAS BUYERS CLUB starring and directed, shot, composed, edited, written, inhaled and exhaled by Matthew McConaughey look like? Follow me.

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OSCAR PROFILES: The Case of CAPTAIN PHILLIPS

February 15, 2014  |  Awards, Feature  |  No Comments

Oscar Profiles

As March 2nd looms ahead, there’s still eight more suspects to go through and time is running out. Profiling Oscar nominees is no easy task when there’s a total of nine suspects and we’re exactly 15 days away from the crime. After the extensive analysis of the first likely offender, one AMERICAN HUSTLE, there was rumblings in the office that this case was taking too long and getting too drawn out. Mayhaps the unscratchable itch of not being in Berlin during one of the year’s most important conferences or a temporary nostalgic distraction of feeling like a kid again after seeing THE LEGO MOVIE may have had something to do with it all.

But we’re getting on with it. And since time isn’t on the side of the law on this one, the profiles will have to become less extensive and more to the point. To remind you how this works and what the steps are:

STEP 1.) INTRODUCTION TO THE NATURE OF THE SUSPECT & COMPARISON TO PREVIOUS SIMILAR OFFENDERS WHO WERE GUILTY.Fingerprint-artwork-001

An introduction to the nominee and what previous Best Picture winners (if any) can it be compared to?   

STEP 2.) IN DEPTH ANALYSIS OF THE SUSPECT

A short review of the nominee.

STEP 3.) SUSPECT’S BACKGROUND IS ANALYZED TO LOOK FOR POSSIBLE MOTIVES

Does this nominee have something special over the rest of the eight nominees?  What has it won from the precursors so far?

STEP 4.) POSSIBLE MOTIVATION FOR THE CRIME

Would winning the Oscar mean anything extra special for anyone involved?

STEP 5.) DESCRIPTION OF THE POSSIBLE OFFENDER IS OUTLINED

Conclusion on what Oscar type the nominee is and what its chances of being guilty of winning Best Picture are. 

 

The second possible offender is the dangerously average and garishly patriotic CAPTAIN PHILLIPS, directed by the The One Who Likes To Shake, Paul Greengrass

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OSCAR PROFILES: The Case Of AMERICAN HUSTLE

OSCAR PROFILES: The Case Of AMERICAN HUSTLE

February 6, 2014  |  Awards, Feature  |  No Comments

Time to build some sandcastles. A few articles ago, a mission on Oscar Profiles was laid out in an attempt to give Oscar readers something fun to read and think about as March 2 approaches. Philip Seymour Hoffman’s untimely and tragic death left me mind-numb and flabbergasted, otherwise the article would’ve come a little sooner. But time doesn’t stop for no man; even if that man happened to be one of your favourite working actors and you still can’t believe they’re gone. So here comes the first of nine Oscar Profiles.

This is an idea I concocted through the mystical powers of A.D.D. braincell transmutation, which so often gets mistaken for the endemic disease known as boredom. That is to say, it needs your support in order to see if it’s actually getting the kind of attention high-class criminals crave. So please like, share, tweet & use the comments section to let me know what you think of this idea including if you think it’s just plain silly. In which case, one kick does the trick.

The Grapevine’s Oscar Profiles will be loosely based on the scanty 5 Procedural steps in generating a profile from WikiPedia. Looked at through the Oscarscope, these five steps get a facelift and some botox injections worthy of the biggest smile Joan Rivers can muster. Here are the five steps summarized and translated to give you a better idea of how this is going to look.

STEP 1.) INTRODUCTION TO THE NATURE OF THE SUSPECT & COMPARISON TO PREVIOUS SIMILAR OFFENDERS WHO WERE GUILTY.

An introduction to the nominee and what previous Best Picture winners (if any) can it be compared to?   

STEP 2.) IN DEPTH ANALYSIS OF THE SUSPECT

A short review of the nominee.

STEP 3.) SUSPECT’S BACKGROUND IS ANALYZED TO LOOK FOR POSSIBLE MOTIVEShand

Does this nominee have something special over the rest of the eight nominees?  What has it won from the precursors so far?

STEP 4.) POSSIBLE MOTIVATION FOR THE CRIME

Would winning the Oscar mean anything extra special for anyone involved?

STEP 5.) DESCRIPTION OF THE POSSIBLE OFFENDER IS OUTLINED

Conclusion on what Oscar type the nominee is and what its chances of being guilty of winning Best Picture are. 

 

Let’s examine one of the most dangerous and volatile nominees of the bunch: AMERICAN HUSTLE directed by the familiar crook David O Russell. 

 

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